To help you in your own Authenticity Journey…
We’ve been looking at authenticity in the membership recently and I know a lot of people struggle with figuring out what is authentically them and what they’ve been conditioned into. But it’s not that much of a struggle for me… because I am not like the rest of my family. We have very different viewpoints, interests and hobbies. From a young age, I’ve resisted conformity and I have never been able to fit in with my family’s shared viewpoints. So it’s always been fairly clear cut what is authentically me as I’ve been constantly told, that I’m alone in my interests and beliefs (and that I’m a weirdo that doesn’t fit in with my family (by my family) and I am 100% ok with that!
For example, from a young age, I loved books. I know this is an authentic part of myself because it’s been a constant love in my life. I would always beg my parents for money (not for sweets or snacks but for) a Sweet Valley High Paperback or if I was nowhere to be found, you could guess I would be sat in a library somewhere. We used to have built-in wardrobes in the 70’s before the redecoration, and I would often sit in the wardrobe just to get a bit of peace to read!
My parents being Asian always valued knowledge and books, but they wouldn’t dream of ever actually reading a book themselves! I’ve tried periodically to give my family books as gifts and it has been met with utter disgust.
So, I can safely say, that book reading is authentically me. I didn’t inherit it, I wasn’t conditioned into it, I don’t read because of any identity I have created, nope, I read, because my soul loves to read and learn! And I will always love to read. I know a lot of people these days who prefer audiobooks, not me, I’m a reader through and through.
Another part I know is authentically me is my love of nature and gardening – which I don’t share with any member of my family! And I love animals. I’m not very good with animals because my family were not animal lovers so I wasn’t allowed to play with animals.
But I know it’s authentically a part of me because I still hold the same childlike joy when I’m around animals.
Often family stories, contain clues to our authentic self, in mine, my mum often laughs that on family holidays long ago, someone would come along and try to put a monkey or another animal in my older sister’s arms for a photo and a small cost. My sister would scream, hand back the animal and my family would try to move away quickly, only to turn around and see me quietly happily holding said animal in my arms as happy as Larry! I have never lost this trait. At any place I visit where there are animals, if I can touch, hold, stroke animals I want to. The problem is that I’m an adult without any kids so I don’t get the opportunity much. One of my favourite holidays though was a trip to Sri Lanka because it seemed like at every turn someone sidled up to us and asked,
“Would you like to hold my monkey, crocodile, turtle?”
“Yes! Of course I would” I would squeal with joy with my arms already outstretched.
If I had known growing up in West London all those years back that there was a job as an animal conservationist, I would certainly be that now. But I didn’t. I grew up in an urban jungle with almost zero animal contact. To this day, I’ve never even had a pet dog or cat. But in another dimension, I’m an animal conservationist, that I know, and I’m ok that that didn’t play out in this version of me. What I am now, is also an aligned expression of my soul’s learning and contribution.
Now, I have offered you a family story as an example, but the thing about our authentic self is that it doesn’t require proof.
I don’t need to prove to anyone anything about my authentic self – I just know what my soul longs for, what it’s passionate about, what it’s drawn to and that’s enough. I have an inner knowing about what’s important to me and I follow that.
A doubter might say, “But how can you know?” You don’t even have a pet fish!” But I don’t have pets for a very good reason. I don’t want a domesticated pet for my pleasure. My soul doesn’t want a pet, it wants to help wild animals.
I don’t give money to pet charities, I give donations to keep wildlife habitats safe. There is proof if you looked closely, but I don’t need proof, knowing myself is enough.
Authenticity for me was a lot harder to decipher when distinguishing some of my inner qualities that I already knew was part of direct conditioning by my mother.
My mother definitely trained me (and I have strong memories of how she did this and strong resentments I had to work through) into being caring, helpful/ useful and responsible. Growing up, I was trained/ manipulated into what she wanted/needed/ reflected well on her. As an adult, I fought hard to create an adult relationship with my her and I’ve called her out on her manipulations and we have honest conversations, so we’re good, but I still had work to do to remove the conditioning.
And even though I knew that leaving fashion and becoming a coach/ healer was most certainly my authentic path, as the years passed, I still had my conditioning to unpick from my authentic self. I still had to question, “Am I authentically helpful and caring to others from a place deep in my soul? Or have I just been conditioned into it?” I had a couple of existential crises over this one…. Was I really authentically, loving and compassionate in my heart, or was it my mum’s conditioning? Sometimes, I couldn’t tell.
I had to dig deep to see how my conditioning had actually created negative patterns around being helpful or caring. It’s not that hard to find where it’s conditioning and where it’s authentic self really, it’s actually quite simple when you realise that if it hurts, if it is a source of pain, anger, resentment, sadness, despair etc then it’s not authentic, it’s conditioning and it means you have work to do, to untangle the authentic, from the inauthentic conditioning.
I have a truly authentic self, and it feels love and compassion and wants to help which comes out of a true feeling of love and purpose. But oh, boy there is another version that exists where I feel trapped by people dumping all their emotional baggage on me and expecting me to be at their emotional disposal without any care for me or my life and me not being able to say no or hold boundaries because I’m scared to say no – that’s my mum’s conditioning and triggering at play.
But I had to figure out what each looked like, felt like, manifested like. And I managed to drop the conditioned version and now I only act upon the authentic version. But it takes practice and at first, it was really truly difficult. You have to make a real commitment to your authentic self to listen to it and not respond to your conditioning in order to break those long held behaviours. Every once in a while the Universe sends me a challenge just to check I’m committed !
You have to expect your mind to resist your efforts to uncover your authentic self. Knowing that it will try to sabotage your efforts will make it easier to deal with.
A friend recently mentioned that she said she couldn’t tell if she authentically loved nature, or if this was just a childhood safe place she found as an escape from a family that didn’t understand her (or words to that effect). Now, I know this lovely soul quite well, so I already knew the answer the answer to this question, so I thought it interesting that she herself didn’t know.
The mind plays tricks on us – because it doesn’t want us to uncover our authentic self – because this is the most powerful part of us and if the mind helped, it would be helping to give away its own power, so it pretends like it doesn’t know, it tries to confuse and distract us.
So, I just asked her, “Hmm… OK, but who chose the safe place?”
The more detailed version of this question is “what part of you chose the safe place and why did they choose nature as the safe place when your authentic self was feeling threatened?”
This is what the exploration of our authentic self means – questioning, what part of me chose this? Did I choose it or did I inherit it? When did I choose it and why?
We need to go deep. We need to explore the deeper parts of our memories, our family stories and question their true origin.
It’s always much easier from the outside looking in – so you could ask trusted friends or family to share memories to try and unpick the mystery web of your childhood! Or get professional help from a trusted coach or healer.
But ultimately, the knowing comes from within. To literally place your hand on your heart and ask, Who am I? Is this me? Where does this passion/interest/ quality come from?
Ultimately, your heart knows everything you need to know. But you need to shush the mind’s interference, and ask, then quietly listen. The answer is always there because your authentic self is always there.
Love,
Sharon x